OH, COME ON, IT’LL BE FUN!
by Mark Miller

During courtship and dating, women, being the more creative and imaginative gender, will often come up with the majority of suggestions for where they’d like to go and what they’d like to do with their romantic partner. One would think this would be a positive thing. After all, their motivation appears genuine. "Oh, come on, it’ll be fun!" they frequently say to us. And yet according to the latest Aw, Jeez, Do I Have To? Survey, 96% of these suggestions are viewed by men as embarrassing, boring, or uncomfortable; events and activities in which we would never have chosen to become involved if we were still single. Which leads me to the public service portion of this discourse. Ladies, the following is inside information – a select listing of some of your most common activity suggestions, what we men don’t like about them, and what you might instead suggest as non-nauseating alternatives.

CAMPING

Let’s take camping, for example. Camping – an activity many men look forward to with the same relish they take in reading Aristotle in the original Greek, receiving a prostate exam, or attending a Celine Dion concert. The way we see it, nature is way over-rated. How many flowers can you smell? How many sunsets can you ooh and aah over? How many coyotes can you worry about being in the vicinity? No access to the Internet or email. No TV sports. Bugs everywhere. What about any of this spells "fun"? Unless you look at "fun" as the first three letters of "funeral."

You want your shot of nature? Invite us to the beach at sunset. Take a blanket and a six-pack, make out for half an hour, then head home to continue. That’s enough nature to hold us for the next three months. You want to go camping? Date Smokey the Bear.

OPERA

If given the choice of how to spend a Friday or Saturday night, what guy wouldn’t vote for putting on some uncomfortable, formal clothing and spending a couple of hundred dollars, plus another hefty chunk for parking, for tickets to hear some weight-challenged, over-costumed, overly made-up nerds belting out tunes that don’t have a beat and don’t rhyme, in a language only U.N. tranlators can understand? Exactly. But just watch the evil look your girlfriend gives you when you try to stay awake during "Madame Butterfly" by playing a video game on your cell phone.

If we must do something cultural and uplifting, at least make it ballet, where the women are in shape, wearing form-revealing clothing and moving their bodies in ways that cause us to imagine them with us in a variety of other non-dance situations. It ain’t "Dancing With the Stars," but it sure as hell beats counting down the seconds ‘til it’s over when the fat lady sings.

TRAVEL

If my extensive online dating experience has taught me nothing else (which may well be the case), it’s that, at least according to their dating profiles, the one thing every woman most enjoys – more than food, entertainment, and of course, sex, is – travelling. Yes, they all want to get out of the country and see the world, explore other cultures, become enriched and broaden their horizons. These are all noble and worthy pursuits. Men, however view travel slightly differently. We even spell it differently. We spell it this way: T$R$A$V$E$L. We also view it as time away from our jobs. This will virtually guarantee that not only will a huge stack of work be waiting for us upon our return, not only will the boss find out the business runs just fine without our being there, but we’ll no doubt come down with some exotic disease and need to be treated by a culture still playing catch-up with the wonders of Medieval medicine.

Got the travel bug, ladies? That’s why God created "National Geographic Magazine." We’ll gladly treat you to a subscription.

CLOTHES SHOPPING

Then there’s clothing shopping, or as most guys know it better -- torture without the sweet release of death. You get to follow your sweetie from store to store with the added bonus of holding her purse as she tries on one dress, blouse, or pair of shoes after another, all afternoon long, while attempting to convince her that each garment does not, in fact, make her butt look big. Occasionally you meet the eyes of another girl’s boyfriend there against his will, and the look you give each other is as though you’re both begging, "PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY NOW!" At last, you understand why some men in certain situations make the decision to chew their arm off to get away.

You want to try on clothes? Great. Do it at home. We’ll light candles, put on some mood music, pour some wine, and you can give us a private fashion show. Oh, sure, it won’t be nearly the same without the neon lights, price tags, and judgmental stares from other women who think we’re perverts because we’re browsing through the lingerie as we wait for you to emerge from the dressing room. But it’ll be close enough for us.

RELATIONSHIP WORKSHOPS

Naturally, post-divorce, we men are going to want to avoid the mistakes we made during our marriage, not to mention keeping our current romantic relationship as perfectly tuned up as the Kia we’re now nearly able to afford after our child-support payments. So, of course we’ll welcome the prospect of attending such events as the notorious Enhancing Couples’ Intimacy Workshop to which you’re so determined to drag us. Right? Wrong. Holey moley. It’s bad enough our intimacy needs enhancing; must we now attempt to jump-start it in a pathetic weekend face-to-face with other romantic losers? We’d rather get up at 5 a.m. Sunday morning to join you on a bird-watching walk. We’d rather get in touch with our feelings and cry about what we never got to tell our fathers. We’d rather attend a taping of "Ellen."

You want to enhance our intimacy? Make sweet love to us frequently and enthusiastically, initiating it yourself on occasion. You’ll be stunned at the intensity of intimacy enhancement. In fact, let’s start right now. After all, we went camping with you; it’s your turn to do something we enjoy. Hey, where are you going? Oh, come on, it’ll be fun!