Frankenstein
By Erin Brown

I am the youngest of my parents 4 daughters.  In our own way, we are all beautiful, funny, successful, and for whatever reason single.  One Monday, after the noon mass Mom was approached by a tearful woman who asked her to “please pray for my son.”  Because of her desperate urgency Mom assumed her son was really ill or had a tragic accident.  She agreed to pray and asked “What’s wrong with your son?”  The woman burst into tears, embraced Mom and blurted, “He’s single!”  Managing to hold in her laugh Mom asked “How old is your son?”  “He’s Thirty Six and his fiancé just broke their engagement.”  Mom saw an opportunity. Surely he could be a match for one of her girls ranging from 28 to 40.
 
Upon further investigation, she found out that Frank taught High School, lived in NJ, was athletic and had a house at the Jersey Shore.  So far, so good – who would be the best match?  Well, the 32 year old was out because she was dating “Mr. GQ, I have collagen in my forehead.”  The 40 year old was out because she only dated Europeans and divorcees. That left the 34 year old and me.
“Where did he go to school?”  
“Boston College”
“Oh my youngest, Erin, graduated from BC. I’m sure she’d love to meet him.”  
 
This was music to the blubbering woman’s ear who quickly insisted that Mom give her my number.  Before Mom had a chance to get his number, instead of passing along mine without permission, the woman snagged mine and skipped away with glee. Suddenly, she turned around and ran back to and revealed what she had been clutching in her hands – Rosary Beads and a picture of her son.
            
“Here’s a picture of my Frankie. It’s his work picture taken at school. The kids just love him. It’s a shame that the girl broke it off, but probably is a blessing. Her mother had a very strong personality. She was trying to control all the wedding plans, a bit too strong-willed for my Frankie.”
 
Uh oh, red flag! Mom realized her wishful thinking may not have led to Prince Charming. She looked at the picture, and saw that Frank was more beastly than princely. His head was the size of 3 footballs, he was prematurely balding and clearly had missed all his appointments with the orthodontist. The picture must have been shot during the holidays since he was sporting his Santa Clause tie. Well, at least he was Catholic.
 
Mom calls me at my apartment to let me know that I’d be getting a call from a BC Alumni who was born and raised in our area and was looking to date.  She loosely fills me in on what had happened but manages to leave the part out about the photo or the crazy mom.  I figured I had nothing to lose, how bad could it be?
 
Later that night my phone rings, “Hello?”
“Hello, may I speak to Erin?” I hear in a booming voice.  “Yes this is she.”
“Hello Erin, my name is Frank and your mom was kind enough to share your number with my mom.”
 “Yeah.”
The whole meeting through our moms made me feel like we were scheduling a play date.  
“Is this your own number?”
“Um, yeah – I don’t have any roommates.”
“Gee, that is so cool.  I have two and we share the phone.”
“Oh. Well I guess you each have your cell phones, so no need to get more than one house number”
“Yeah, I don’t have a cell, I’m pretty certain they are going to be a short-lived phase.  Anyway, I head you’re an Eagle like me!”
Boston College’s mascot is the Eagle.   I said, “Yeah, I graduated from the school of Management.”
“You mean School of Money. Hahaha. I attended the school of Education.”
“Oh, a lot of my girlfriends went there.”
Though he didn’t sound like my type, we decided to meet the following weekend.   It was Easter and I would be home with my family in New Jersey so we could meet around there.  
I got home Saturday for the “big event”. I was trying to choose and outfit when my mom said to stop stressing and just throw on anything.
“Anything? Don’t you want the date to go well?”
 “Yes, of course but no need to stress out.”
 “What are you hiding behind your back?”
 “Nothing.”
“What??”  She reveals the picture.  “Are you kidding me?? I am not going out with that goon!”  
“Sorry honey, it all happened so fast. And he sounds like he’s really nice.”
 “Nice? The guy doesn’t even have a cell phone and he’s wearing a Santa tie.”
My sister, the other ‘contender’ is in the room was enjoying the moment.
“I say why don’t you go out with him?”                  
“I’m not the one that is an Eagle!”
I say, “You can add it to your repertoire dating stories.”   She only meets guys on line, but thinks it’s taboo so she makes up an unbelievable story for each of them.  There was the guy she “met” on company cruise when “we both grabbed the same chocolate croissant.” Or the one who “saw me about to cross the street and walk under shaky scaffolding of a building and shouted, you’re about to lose your head!” Or the ultimate, “we had a head on collision but neither of us got hurt and our cars only had a few scratches so we decided we were meant to date.”
 
The doorbell rings.  My brother gets up to answer the door. He is also at my parent’s house that evening along with his wife and 2 kids- 4 and 5 years old. We are all peeking down the stairs at the door.  My brother is six-foot-four. I have never seen him look up at anyone, until this moment.  I hear a large voice coming out a big head, “Hello, my name is Frank. I am here to court Ms. Erin.”
My brother looks up at the six-foot-seven giant and smirks and shouts, “Ms. Erin, your date has arrived.”
I cannot even go down the stairs. Mom goes first.  
“Oh hi Frank. Wow, your mom mentioned you were tall, didn’t realized you could have played for the NBA.  Erin will be down in a minute.”
 I throw on an old gray sweater and head to meet Frankenstein.  
“Hello Erin he gazes as he almost breaks my hand with his shake.  That’s a lovely sweater.”
“Thanks, Gap 5 years ago.  Let’s go” Suddenly, I was seventeen years old. I was getting picked up for a pity date and my entire family was there to witness and enjoy it.  Mom says, “Why don’t you introduce him to everyone else?” I’m rolling my eyes behind the giant as she says this.
 
We enter the family room “Dad, Frank, Frank Dad.”  My dad smiles and is laughing on the inside and I can tell he feels bad for the guy and me.  My dad had the uncanny ability to know in 5 minutes whether or not a guy was right for his daughter- and not in the this guy doesn’t have a good enough job/attitude/smile --for my daughter WAY.  It was pure instinct because he knows us so well.  This particular guy was an immediate no-brainer, train-wreck.
 
On to the living room where my oldest sister, the loves euros and divorces, is reading a book to my niece and nephew. She smiles politely.  My 5 year old nephew cannot stop staring at Frank’s noggin.  “Are you wearing a mask?” He laughs like the Jolly Green Giant.  “No, son God just blessed me with extra brains.”
Okay, I introduce Frank to my niece who is not shy at all.  He tries to endearingly shake her hand, and yelps “Hello Little One!.” She jumps off the couch and darts up the stairs.  
 
“Let’s go.”
 “Mrs. Brown, you have lovely daughters.” She’s never heard that one before.  He is a friendly giant – like Shrek - gentleman – opens doors etc. He says he’s going to take me on pub crawl.  Pub crawl? The last time I did that was in college! It was fine by me because I needed a drink at that point.
 
It was the same pattern at the first 3 bars- he says, “ I feel like I’m back on campus!” He then ducked inside the bar and ordered 2 Pabst Blue Ribbon, “just like college.”  
“Wow you’re really into re-living college; it’s been like 20 years for you.”
“17 and a half actually”  
The conversation centers on BC, Beer, and the Bible.  He reminds me that it’s Holy Saturday.  He likes to talk about God a lot.  That is fine with me, but I was beginning to feel like I was at church.  It was just weird.  I was more interested in learning how he deals with such an enormous skull.
 
As I’m about to ask, a guy walks up to Frank. It was a friend of his from H.S.  I’m trying to hide behind the head when the guy looks at me and says, “Is this your girlfriend?” Immediately, I say “NO, we just met.  Our moms are friends.” He chimes in “Yeah, isn’t it wonderful?  The lord sent me a gift through the connection of our holy moms.”  I practically snort beer though my nose.  I give the friend a look of “please help, I’d rather be with you, seriously this is not a date.” Then I feel mean and decide to smile and say, Frank and I are having a really nice time.   
 
I felt guilty. Frank wasn’t so bad. Strange duck for sure, but there was no reason no to be cordial and let him have a nice evening after he lost his other girl.  I’ll have one more beer and call it a night.   It could be worse.
 
Just then it got worse.  Frank says, “You my dear deserve a treat.”  He gets up on his bar stool and hunches over and starts shouting the BC fight song, trying to get the crowd to join in. If that’s not embarrassing enough he starts unbuttoning his blue oxford to reveal his skinny pale chest (oh yeah he’s super thin, so he looks like a giant piece of string cheese.).  On his chest is a giant tattoo of a cross and an Eagle in Maroon and gold, BC’s colors. Okay, this is fa-reaking me out, “Let’s go”.  
 
I run to the car. He follows.  “Please take me home”.
 “Wow, wasn’t that just the greatest!?”
 “Um, yeah whatever, let’s go”.
 
On the way home he pulls into a middle school.  I can barely get the words out “what are you doing” when he lands the sloppiest of sloppy kisses on me- we’re talking my mouth completely shut, his wide open filled with slobber. I was being attacked by a St. Bernard. I shove him off.
“I’m sorry I just couldn’t control myself”
“Yeah, well your priest isn’t going to be happy with your behavior. Get me home or I’m taking a taxi.”  I would have hopped out immediately, but though we weren’t in the boonies, it’s not like Manhattan where you can a taxi in 2 seconds.  He drops me off I run out of the car as he is still talking about how sorry he is and how this night was such a blessing and how he cannot wait to see me again….
 
Easter morning he calls, I let it go straight to voicemail.  He leaves a message, “Hello Erin. Thank you for a magical night.  I hope you and your family are having a blessed Easter.  I’d like to take you out to dinner this week in the big city.  Please call me.”
 
Later that week I call him back just to politely inform him that this isn’t going to happen.  A woman picks up the phone when I call. “Oh hi is Frank there?”
“No he’s teaching.” Of course he was, it was 11:00 am on a Tuesday, I wasn’t about to call when he was home.
“Oh right. Well you must be his roommate, I’d appreciate if you could give him a message.”
“Surely, I heard you two really hit it off. I’m so glad I met your mom at church.”
“My mom?”
“Yes, the lovely lady who gave me your number for my son.”
“You live with Frank?”
 “Well, Frank lives with us – his dad and me.”
“Wow that explains a lot.”
“He’s very close with us.  He’s a special boy. If my husband or I had stayed in the church Frankie never would have been conceived.”
“Huh? Are you saying you were a nun and Frank’s dad was a priest?”
“Mmhmm. Now what was the message you wanted to leave for him?”
“Um, tell him Thank you for a nice evening and I’m moving to California.”
 “What?”
 “That’s all. Bye.”
 
I immediately called my mom to tell her what happened, and as I was telling her she got anther call. “Hold on one sec Er. (clicks over) Hello?”
“Did you hear what happened?”
“I’m sorry who is this?”
“Frank’s mom. Your daughter told him she’s moving.  I’m sure it’s a lie.  She cannot treat my Frankie like that.”
It all comes together for Mom.  At that moment I hadn’t planned to move, but Mom says, “Yes actually Erin is moving tomorrow and so are we. By the way, my number is unlisted, how did you get it?”
“I got it through the Lord.”
“Okay, well good bye.”
“But wait, don’t you think this is blasphemy? We have to have our kids make up.”
“Okay, bye.”
My mom hung up clicked back to me and we laughed for five minutes straight. After the nightmare was actually over it was one of the funniest Easter weekends of all time.