Stories and More - February 2008

THE EXPERIMENT
By Corey Podell

I haven't had sex in 4 months. 4 months ago I begged my ex to have sex
with me and it lasted 4 minutes. I want to have sex with someone,
someone that's not my ex and it has to be tonight. It has to.

Becky and I are going out tonight. To a club in Hollywood. And I'm going to
have sex with someone. That's it, I've decided. And I also decided I'm
going to act like a guy. If I pretend to be a guy then I'll probably have sex.
I'll act like an asshole and then certainly someone will want to have sex
with me. I will approach this like a man. This is my experiment.

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McRIB ROBBERY
By Daniel Prosek

Some call it fate. Some call it synchronicity. The way the Universe
conspires to bring people and events together. I just call it being in the
wrong place at the wrong time.

It was a Thursday. I was driving home from my friend Chris' house in
Redondo Beach late one night when the craving hit me. Okay, maybe it
wasn't a craving. Maybe it was more of a Pavlovian response to the giant
McRib sandwich staring at me from the billboard on Sepulveda Blvd while I
waited for the light to change. That giant slab of formed ribs dripping with
tangy barbeque sauce, top off with onions and pickles on a toasted Kaiser
roll had actually started my mouth to water. I started to remember the first
time the McRib first appeared on the menu at McDonalds. This was new.
This was different. I think I'll try one. Once I tried one I was addicted to
them. I would walk down the street to the McDonalds by my work every day
at lunch. For a month, I was in pork tenderloin heaven. Then as
unexpectedly as they appeared they were gone. As the light turned green
the urgency of the situation was immediately brought home when I saw the
writing below the object of my gastronomical affection. Not only did it say
"The McRib is back" but it said that "The McRib is back for a LIMITED TIME".

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ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO USE THOSE OVARIES
By Amy Simon

They say being in the armed services is the hardest job you'll ever love.

Try parenting first.

People have NO idea what they're getting into. Ask any parent - especially
of a teenager - if you knew then what you know now wouldja still have 'em?

I had no idea what I was getting into. I read all the books like "What To
Expect When You're Expecting". Not that helpful. Did not prepare me. I
took the LaMaz courses. I was SO eager and so naive. I did everything they
said - quit smoking - crack - quit drinking - took long walks and all that and
when I went into labor I brought my little food bag for the beer they said I
could finally drink and my Led Zeppelin tapes - yes tapes in those days -
they said would help me pass the time. PULEEEZE! I had one of those long
long labors - 37 hours. Three days of labor! Oy. We got to the hospital on a
Friday night after hours of hell and they sent me home - said I wasn't
"dilated". I was devastated until they told me I could drink the beer - had
that bottle open before I hit the elevator. By Monday I was a mommy.

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