JACK IN THE BOX IS SCARY TO ME
by Eddie Pepitone

JACK IN THE BOX IS SCARY TO ME. THE PARKING LOT, THE FOOD, THE PEOPLE WHO EAT THERE. THE JACK IN THE BOX ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN WITH THE GUY WHO HAS THE BIG FOAM PING-PONG HEAD. IT ALL SCARES ME. THE CIABATTA SANDWICH. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? I MEAN I AUDITONED FOR A CIABATTA SANDWICH COMMERCIAL AND IT ALL SEEMS SO HARMLESS WHEN YOU ARE AUDITIONING IN FRONT OF NICE CASTING PEOPLE WHO MAKE SOPHISTICATED JOKES AND THEY ALL LOOK PRETTY AND HANDSOME. BUT THEN YOU SEE THE END PRODUCT. THE ACTUAL COMMERCIAL – THE PING PONG HEAD GUY AND THE CIABATTA SANDWICH BULLSHIT AND I WANT TO KILL MYSELF. THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT THE WORLD OF COMMERCIALS THAT TERRIFIES ME. IT IS DEFINETLY A SCARY THING. TO WATCH COMMERCIALS. THERE IS A DEADNESS TO THEM. A REAL EVILNESS. EVERYBODY IS SMILING AND HAPPY OR PRETTY WELL-ADJUSTED. THE LEVEL OF INTELLECT INVOLVED IN COMMERCIALS IS SO SAD. AND YET I KNOW SO MANY PEOPLE WHO WORK IN ADVERTISING AND PEOPLE WHO DO COMMERCIALS. AND AS I SAID I AUDITION FOR THEM. AND THESE PEOPLE ARE SMART AND DRESS WELL WHO I KNOW. I HEAR THERE ARE A LOT OF FAMOUS DIRECTORS LIKE CHRISTOPHER GUEST WHO DO COMMERCIALS TO SUPPLEMENT THEIR INCOMES. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? CHRISTOPHER GUEST? ONE OF MY HEROES WHO RIPS STUPIDITY AND PRETENSE AND PHONINESS DIRECTS COMMERCIALS? I’M SORRY CHRISTOPHER BUT YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE. I KNOW WE ALL NEED TO MAKE A LIVING. BUT THAT’S WHAT THE NAZIS SAID ISN’T IT? SOMETHING LIKE THAT. WE WERE JUST FOLLOWING ORDERS. WE ALL NEED TO MAKE A LIVING. WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING IN THIS TOWN CHURNING OUT SUCH PURE UNADULTERATED SHIT IN THE NAME OF MAKING A LIVING. THAT’S JUST THE WAY OF THE WORLD, THAT’S LIFE-IF YOU WANT TO BE A REBEL BE A TEENAGER. OH YOU WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD? YEA RIGHT, GET BACK TO ME IN A FEW YEARS. I’VE BEEN WATCHING THE MAC CAMPAIGN WHERE ONE GUY IS A MAC AND ONE GUY IS A PC. JOHN HODGEMAN IS THE PC IN THOSE COMMERCIALS . HE IS A SMART GUY WHO WRITES FOR MCSWEENEYS AND HAS A REAL FUNNY BOOK OUT, THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE OR SOME SHIT. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT HODGEMAN- YOU ARE NOTHING, YOU ARE A LITTLE, INSIGNIFICANT MAN COLLECTING MONEY FOR DEADENING , SOUL-SUCKING WORK. I HAVE EVEN HAD SOME FRIEND OR TWO SAY THAT THAT ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN IS HILARIOUS. NO IT’S NOT. THE INLAWS WITH ALAN ARKIN AND PETER FALK IS HILARIOUS. THE MAC COMMERCIALS ARE TERRIBLY DULL AND DRAB. LIKE LIVING IN AN ASSISTED LIVING FACILITY AND YOUR BIG TREAT FOR THE DAY IS YOU GET GRAPE JUICE AT 3. IT’S NOT FUNNY, IT’S A BRUTAL PART OF LIFE, THE BRUTALLY DULL BUSINESS OF BUSINESS. NOTHING IS AS DULL AS BUSINESS. SELLING THINGS ON A MASS SCALE IS THE WORST. BUT I HAVE EVEN SEEN INDIVIDUAL HIPPIE CRAFTSPEOPLE GET REAL BITCHY AT FLEA MARKETS WHEN PEOPLE ARE JUST LOOKING AND NOT BUYING. OR ORGANIC FARMERS IN A FARMERS MARKET HAVING ATTITUDE ABOUT THEIR FUCKING FARM-RAISED FISH.

THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT SELLING THINGS THAT IS A HORRIBLE THING. FIRST OF ALL THINGS ARE WHAT MAKE LIFE MEANINGLESS. ALL THESE THINGS: THE CIABATTA SANDWICH, MENTOS, THE NEW ESCALADE, DIAMOND NECKLACES, SOFAS,  PINCUSHIONS, LAMPS, WOKS, LASER JET PRINTERS, GUM, POP TARTS, SNICKERS BARS, CHILE PEPPER LIGHT BULBS , CHIN UP BARS, DART BOARDS, BEER, PHONES, TABLES, BLACKBERRYS, CELLPHONES, CHICKEN WRAPS, BALL-BEARINGS, TOP HATS AND FINALLY MEDIUM, MILD AND HOT SALSA. PRODUCTS, THINGS SURROUNDING US LIKE SO MANY MONSTERS. THE CIABATTA SANDWICH, THE SPOKESPERSON FOR JACK IN THE BOX IS MAKING SOME PEOPLE RICH AND THE REST OF US NAUSEOUS AND DULL. IF YOU EVER HEAR A FRIEND SAY A COMMERCIAL IS FUNNY , LOOK AT THAT FRIEND REAL HARD AND THINK TO YOURSELF- DO I REALLY NEED THIS PERSON IN MY LIFE? THINGS, THINGS AND MORE THINGS.

I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET INTO BHUDDISM LATELY. EMPTYING MY MIND OF ALL THOUGHTS. ALL THOUGHTS. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. BUT HOW CAN I EMPTY MY MIND OF ALL THOUGHTS WHEN THERE IS SO MUCH FOOLISH INTERACTION GOING ON. THERE IS SO MUCH BUSINESS TO BE DONE. I CAN’T SIT STILL AND BE CALM BECAUSE I HAVE TO CALL MY AGENT. HE HAS LEFT ME A MESSAGE SAYING I HAVE  AN AUDITION FOR CSI MIAMI. I AM TO AUDITION FOR THE ROLE OF A JOHN WHO HAS TWO LINES ABOUT BEING UNCOMFORTABLE THAT KIDS ARE AROUND IN THE PROSTITUTES HOUSE. CSI MIAMI IS ONE LONG COMMERCIAL FOR DEATH. SO IS 99.9 PERCENT OF ALL TV.  YOU HEARD ME. A COMMERCIAL FOR DEATH. AND THIS TOWN IS BUILT AROUND IT. DEATH. THE BUSINESS OF DISTRACTION, DISTRACTION FROM WHAT IS VITAL AND REAL AND ALIVE. THE TV, THE VIDEO GAMES THE BLACKBERRYS THE CELL PHONES  THE SNICKERS BARS THE LEATHER WHIPS AND CHAINS THE STATIONARY, THE WELCOME MATS THE LEATHER BRIEFCASES,  THE BLINTZES, THE PULLED BEEF JERKEY ARE ALL DISTRACTIONS FROM OUR LIFE. OMMMMMMMMM

OMMMMMMMMMMM, DO YOU HEAR THE SOUND OF THE UNIVERSE. ME NEITHER. WE ARE IN THE LAST STAGES OF THIS KIND OF LIFE. THE LIFE OF THINGS, THINGS AND MORE THINGS. WE HAVE CONSUMED TO THE POINT OF UTTER EMPTINESS. I SHOULD KNOW. I CAN’T STOP EATING SWEETS. I CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF THEM. I EAT AND EAT AND EAT. I AM EATING MYSELF AND I CAN’T STOP. I LOVE THE SHOW 24. WHEN IT ENDS I WANT ANOTHER ONE. ANOTHER ONE PLEASE, ANOTHER EPISODE OF 24 WITH JACK BAUER AND CLOEY. I WANT IT. I WANT IT!!! PLEASE ANOTHER EPISODE, ANOTHER SWEET, SOMEBODY TAKE MY COCK AND JERK IT OFF!! SOMEBODY MAKE ME COME! I WANT PLEASURE, I WANT DISTRACTION. NO DISCOMFORT. I WATCH THE IRAQ WAR WITH MY FAVORITE CNN ANCHOR WOLF BLITZER. I AM IN TOTAL COMFORT WITH COOKIES AND AC AS MY TWO CATS RUN AROUND AND I WATCH THE HORRORS OF THE IRAQ WAR UNFOLD. I WANT MORE OF THE WAR. I LIKE WATCHING WARS AND MURDER AND SUFFERING ON TELEVISION. I WANT SWEETS AND TV AND PORN AND SODA AND PROZAC AND KLONOPIN AND POT AND MENTOS AND SNICKERS AND LAVA LAMPS AND WRISTWATCHES AND MORE AND MORE AND MORE. MORE PLEASE. IN ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS PEOPLE BRUTALIZE EACH OTHER. BLOOD ALL OVER. ME WATCHING WITH COOKIES AND ICE CREAM.. HARDCORE PORN IS GOOD FOR A WHILE. BUT THAT BRINGS ME DOWN. THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT WATCHING STRANGERS FUCK THAT IS HOT FOR ABOUT 15 MINUTES THEN WICKEDELY DEPRESSING. THEY BECOME THINGS FUCKING EACH OTHER. I BECOME A THING. I BECOME A PING PONG HEAD WITH BLUE DOT EYES AND A RED CARROT NOSE TALKING ABOUT THE CIABATTA SANDWICH OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN AN ASSISTED LIVING FACILITY WITH GRAPE JUICE AND SNICKERS BARS AND 24 ON THE TV. I CAN’T WALK NOW. I NEED HELP. I AM IN MY OLD AGE. I JERK OFF TO THE NURSES AROUND ME. I EAT PUDDING , I READ THE TABLOIDS. I WATCH ALL THE DEATH ON TV. I SIT IN MY ROOM WITH THE WALLPAPER PEELING WAITING FOR MY GRANDSON TO COME AND SMOKE POT IN THE BATHROOM AFTER HE DROPS OFF SOME LASAGNA FROM MY DAUGHTER. I CRY AND CRY AND CRY. IT’S ALL BEEN ABOUT THINGS, THINGS, AND MORE THINGS. BACK TO THE PRESENT.

IT’S THE HOLIDAYS NOW. THE GROVE IS BUSTLING. THE TROLLEY IS FILLED WITH FRESH FACES. EVERYBODY IS SURRONDED BY LOTS OF THINGS. I TAKE OUT MY ONE HITTER WITH MEDICINAL MARIJUANA IN IT. I PUFF ON IT AND GET ON THE TROLLEY. I TAKE MY DICK OUT JUST TO LET IT BREATHE.. I HAVE TO HOPE  NO ONE SEES IT.  IN THE LAND OF THINGS I HAVE MY DICK OUT NEAR SHOPPERS AND I AM STONED AND I PLAN TO SEE BORAT AT THE GROVE.. THEN AFTER BORAT BUY A STARBUCKS VANILLA LATTE , THEN SHOP AROUND IN THE MAC STORE. I LOVE THE WAY THE MAC STORE LOOKS. THEN I WILL LOOK DEEP INTO PEOPLES FACES AND SEE ALL THE THINGS THEY ARE.